I weighed myself the other day (it’s been a while…) and was very shocked at the number on the scale. I’ve been restricting my foods for a while, eating a lot less than usual, no snacking etc and yet I still was heaver than I expected. I know that the number on the scale shouldn’t define who I am but it did upset me a little. I know I’m by no means FAT but, I’m a bit wobbly in places that I would rather not be.
I always get told that I’m fat and I think I am a L or XL size in HK, even though I’m only a size 6-8 here in the UK. I don’t want to go back to HK in July and feel fat. I’ve always had an issue with my weight (it may surprise you as I am considered slim in the UK) but I’ve always noticed that I was a bit bigger than the average asian girl, plus I used to do a lot of sports and judo so I built up a lot of muscle on my thighs and arms which made me look stocky. I hated going swimming because I hated my body and didn’t want to wear a swimming costume and would use all the excuses in the book to get out of it. Even to this day, I’m not a big fan of swimming.
When I was about 16, I got into Kpop and then started to diet even more..well I say diet.. I mean starve myself. I would skip breakfast and lunch, then for dinner I would eat half a bowl of rice and a couple of veggies and side dishes. I would tell my parents I’m full even though in reality I was nowhere near. It got so bad that I started fainting all the time, my periods completely stopped and even when I tried to eat I would feel sick. I was like that all the way through college and until my 1st year at Uni.
I remember before an exam once when I was at college, one of my friends came up to me and asked if I was alright, as she said I had lost a load of weight and she was worried about me. My friends would ask if I was anorexic, but I would tell them of course not, I’m on a diet but I’m not stupid. Looking back, maybe I was bordering on anorexic and it was definitely stupid, but I desperately wanted to be like those kpop idols. They were beautiful, skinny, looking cute and sexy at the same time.
Even though my friends were worried, I was still not skinny enough in my mind. I wanted to be skinnier, everytime I looked in the mirror I could see fat- on my legs, on my face, on my arms, on my belly. I hated it and no matter how little I ate, how much I exercised, it just wouldn’t go away. I’ve been on so many different diets, banana diet, lettuce diet, sweet potato diet. It wasn’t until I was at uni that I came to my senses and started eating more like a normal person.
At first it was difficult, my stomach wasn’t used to having food. I would feel sick after just a few bites, but slowly and gradually, I built up my tolerance to eat more. I actually really really love food so it was so incredibly hard to actually restrict myself and diet but back then, I just wanted to be skinny.
Fast forward to today though, I have decided to go on a low meat, low flour diet. This is different to what I did before where I basically just didn’t eat. I got this idea from watching last week’s <KBSWorld The Human Condition>. In this episode, the members had to endure a week with no meat or/and no flour. This means that they could eat anything as long as there was no meat(except fish), or no flour in the food. At first it was difficult for them, but after they got used to it, they seemed to enjoy it and they still managed to eat alot of food and still lose weight despite doing barely any exercise.
I won’t be completely cutting out meat and rice as I live with my dad and whilst I’m all up for doing this, dad is a bit more reluctant to give up his favorite foods. Instead we are cutting out bread, cookies and other flour based products except white rice (the reason for this is we have a huge bag of rice at home so we kinda have to use it up) and we are cutting out all meat except for fish with the occasional bit of chicken when we really need something more.
So I’ve only done 2 days on this diet and I’m surprised to say I’m not missing meat that much yet. It’s probably not hit me yet but maybe if I see someone eating a bacon roll I will get meat cravings 😛 I’m keeping a food journal to keep track of the things I am eating in addition to the exercise that I do so that I can see if there has been any change. I’m actually having a lot of fun thinking about what I can eat instead and spent the day yesterday making very yummy sushi rolls!
I’m not going to go as crazy as I did in my teens, instead this time I am actually going to lose weight and tone up my body the healthy way. I’ll let you know how it goes! 🙂