Ever since I was little, I always wanted to be a singer… I remember being a couple of years old and standing on my parents double bed and singing as if it was my stage XD Theres even a video of it somewhere…
I used to sing and dance all the time when I was little, in the playground, teaching my friends all the dance routine and we would perform at the school talent shows- I don’t know why but I was never scared back then, I was so confident and just did it, I didn’t get nervous or stage fright, I just did it because that was what I loved.
When I got older, and schoolwork took over more and more of my life and my confidence began to drop, I still sang and performed at concerts and dance shows, I even took singing lessons, but you could tell that I wasn’t as confident as I used to be.
I even set up a youtube account solely to practice my singing and dancing..but after posting a few videos and getting mixed feedback, I started to dread opening up my laptop the next morning to see that comments that people left and I eventually shut down that account.
My parents always told me to focus on my schoolwork and stop messing around so much, they were worried just like any parent would that my grades would slip because I was singing and dancing so much.
I remember having a chance to sing at the European Parliament and performing in various places in Europe and at first, my parents said no. I cried my eyes out in my bed because it was the one chance of doing something I really loved and performing at a massive stage, but I wasn’t going to be able to do that. (Oh Gosh.. just writing about this incident is making me well up a bit…well more than a bit) In the end, my dad could see how much I wanted it and came into my room with the slip signed to say I was allowed to go. When I saw the slip I remember hugging my dad so hard and kept repeating ‘Thank you thank you thank you!!! I love you!!’
That was probably the last major concert I performed at…before the self-doubt and insecurity started to take over my life.I feel bad that I never got to realise my full potential as I started to cower more and more in the corner and started going to less and less concerts, stopped doing singing lessons and retreated into this shell that I never had before.
In college I was probably at my lowest point of confidence, I wasn’t really close with anyone and anyone that I was close with before I pushed away, I just went straight from home to college and back and rarely did anything else. I was a complete loner, I almost felt like I was going to disappear- I was that invisible. I didn’t even have my family around me. That was when I decided I should give up on my dreams of being a singer- I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, etc there’s no point in me dreaming about something that was never going to happen.
From then on, I kept my mouth closed, and didn’t even sing much even at home…
I never really thought about this much, as I have been concentrating so much on my degree, but my dad made a comment a few days ago about how he misses that little girl who had heaps of confidence and sang and danced and performed. He said I used to smile all the time but as I’ve gotten older, I smile less and less. I remember my nickname when I first went to secondary school was smiley… now that’s not so true…
Sometimes when I see K-Pop groups that are my age I get a bit jealous and it brings it all back, those emotions I had when I was younger of wanting my dream so much but not feeling like I was going to get anywhere with it. It makes me feel like if I just tried harder when I was younger, maybe that could have been me.
I still have a love of music, but as it’s been a while since I’ve properly sang, I can tell my voice isn’t as good as it used to be. I haven’t even danced in what feels like forever.. I regret letting myself and letting my real dreams go, but I think now, it’s a bit too late to become a singer. That’s OK though, I actually really enjoy chemistry, and I’m putting all that passion that I used to have for music into that instead.
Why am I bringing this up now? Well I guess a part of me feels like its my biggest regret- not pursuing my dream until the end.
I’ve always tried to have goals in my life- things that I aim to do and things to keep me working hard and I’m starting to see that hard work pay off and I’m happy and grateful, but part of me remembers that I failed at my biggest dream of all.
Whilst I no longer have a desire to become a singer, I hope that my move to HK will allow me to have a fresh new start, to make friends, gain some confidence and perhaps get back in touch with that little girl with no fear and big dreams- I know she’s still around somewhere.