I rarely get a good night’s rest but most nights I at least get SOME sleep.
Tonight I can’t even try to sleep! So here I am typing away at half 12 to try and vent my frustration at the latest cause of insomnia.
I say its my latest cause of insomnia, but actually this is probably the reason I can never get to sleep but it’s just hit me harder today.
I am a pushover.
Yup. That’s me. Always have been. I’m the girl that everyone copies their homework off, the one that sends her friends her coursework so they can take it and modify it, the one that will say yes to any requests you ask of her whether it’s reasonable or not and whether I want to do it or not. I just can’t say no.
I don’t know. I feel a sense of immense guilt whenever I have to say the word no, as if I am letting someone down and I’m a bad person for not wanting to do anything they want.
This then leads me to say yes to everything. Hanging up my roommates Laundry for them whilst they go out? Sure! Coming into work when it’s supposed to be my holiday? No problem.
Then comes the sinking feeling in my heart that always comes when I have said yes to something I don’t want to do. I can’t turn back now, I’ve already said yes. Why did I say yes? Every time, I tell myself I will say no next time, but here I am still getting frustrated with myself for agreeing to do something I don’t want to do.
I’ve spent the last few months worrying and stressing and generally hating university because of worrying about what certain people think of me and wanting to do a good job but trying t balance it with all the other things that I’ve not noticed how much those stresses have built up and I’ve finally boiled over.
So here’s me making a stand for myself. After I have done the latest cause of my frustration(I can’t really change it after having said yes…):
I will be more assertive,
I will care less about what people think of me,
I will do what I want to do and not what others expect me to do.
I will have to let you know in a couple of months how it goes, if I really will learn to say NO. XD
Best try to get some sleep… ╯﹏╰